Desperate Acts

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A few days ago, my friend, “Susan” and I were discussing a mutual acquaintance.  I said that I liked this person, but I said, “She’s just so desperate.”  Susan chortled and said, “Well, I feel pretty desperate myself sometimes.”  It kind of surprised me because I do not think of Susan as desperate.  She is one of the most beloved people I know and I know she knows it.  But her statement made me think a little about what desperation is and how we are all a little desperate. And if we are artists, I think we want to be desperate.  Forgive me for being obsessed with William Inge, but so many times last weekend, I thought about how desperate Inge’s characters are.  Lola in Come Back, Little Sheba is desperate to feel vital again.  Hal in Picnic is desperate to find his way in the world. Elma in Bus Stop and Millie in Picnic are desperate to leave their small Kansas towns.  Sammy in Dark at the Top of the Stairs is desperate to make friends.  And of course, my favorite desperate Inge character is Rosemary Sidney who gets on her hands and knees begging her boyfriend to marry her because the thought of another year as an unmarried schoolteacher living in a rented room is too much for her to bear.  I’ve seen the scene in skilled hands and less skilled hands, but every time I’m moved to tears by the, well, the desperation.  And I think about how desperate William Inge was .  One of the interviews from the Saturday night program included one with a niece who recounted a conversation she’d had with Inge where he told her his life had been a failure.  This is a man who won an Oscar, a Pulitzer and wrote four of the most successful, profitable, beloved plays of the 1950s. Perhaps he always had a voice telling him he was a failure and that made him desperate to create the characters and stories that touched our lives so deeply. In the last couple weeks, I’ve thought so much about why I’ve started this blog.  It’s fun to get compliments and see which stories get the most traffic, but I also feel so vulnerable at times, even foolish.  I’ve had close friends make fun of the blog.  Granted, there is something desperate about a 44 year old man plunking away on a keyboard, offering his hopes, revealing his shames.  And I do feel like Rosemary.  With every awkward sentence, I’m beseeching a reader who may or may not be reading this, “Marry me, Howard.  Please, please marry me.” Here are Rosalind Russell and Arthur O’Connell in that scene from the original movie of Picnic.

Who Am I Anyway, Part 2

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I found a few more Black and White headshots.  Looking at these pictures made me think about the times I had my pictures taken. My first headshot shoot was a photographer I found in Backstage. I had been in NY a few months, fretting about not having a headshot. He lived in Stuyvesant Town and took pictures out of his living room. I picked him because, even though I was very closeted at the time, I thought he was cute. He kept telling me to imagine the camera was a pretty girl that I liked. My second headshot shoot was with a fashion photographer my friend Tania knew. I worked as his assistant for a day and he gave me a discount rate on the session. I actually enjoyed working as his assistant, being on set for a catalog shoot at a loft in Chelsea. I don’t know where that picture is, but I do have the requisite jean shirt that was de rigueur for every 1994 actor headshot. When I moved to LA, I had to get new LA headshots. My favorite photographer was a guy named Sandy Spear. He lived near Sycamore and 4th and he’d take his pictures in the neighborhood. I think he charged something ridiculously affordable like $80/ roll and all you needed was one roll, because he was a great photographer. Also, his wife had been in the Off-Broadway production of the Real Live Brady Bunch as Marsha. I just looked him up and it looks like he lives in San Diego and is still taking pictures. I also had a photo shoot with a maitre d’ at one of the restaurants where I worked. He insisted on taking every actor’s picture. The one thing I most remember about the guy is that he kept slices of brisket in his suit jacket pocket so he could snack when he got hungry. The pictures aren’t too bad, but the Olin Mills type back drop blending with the Lance Bass frosted tips I had at the time make it look like there are fireworks coming out of my head. My last black and white photo shoot was a guy named Timothy Fielding in 2002. He asked me if I wanted to do half b & w and half color, I said no, I didn’t think the color trend would last very long.

Mrs. Shepard

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One of the many pleasures of my trip home was seeing two of my former teachers, Lea Shepard and Linda Spencer.  Mrs. Shepard is retiring this year after 35 years of teaching at Independence High School.  She was my speech teacher and forensics coach.  She was the person who introduced the plays of Neil Simon to me and the first person I thought of years later when I met him.   I made a joke on Facebook yesterday that I found my old forensics medals and that I was going to bring them back to LA and start wearing them to my commercial auditions.  I actually did come across these medals, and there are a few and I remembered the elation I felt when I won my first one, a silver for Humorous Solo Acting with God’s Favorite, by Neil Simon.  Believe it or not, I had not been a fine athlete and it wasn’t until this moment, at 15, that I found something at which I excelled a little.  And Mrs. Shepard was there.  In fact, she picked the piece for me. She must have sensed I had a little bit of Charles Nelson Reilly in me.

After the festival on Saturday, there was a party and I got to spend a little time with her because we were sitting at the same table.  It’s fun going to the bar and getting drinks for your favorite teacher.   We talked about ghosts, high school, theatre, Independence, Inge.  At the end of the night, as my friend Joel and I were saying goodbye to her, partially fueled by budget Chardonnay, I was overcome with emotion, thinking how much this woman had impacted the lives of me and many others.  My voice was shaky and I said, “Not to get all Goodbye, Mr. Chips here, but I want you to know how much you meant to me.” It was a little clumsy and it did not know go the way, I’d hoped (Extemporaneous Speaking was NOT my category). And then I made a joke that, “If a 44-year-old drunk gay guy is standing here weeping about what a good teacher you are, that must mean SOMETHING.” And then we laughed and then we left the party. When I think of teachers, I think of Lea Shepard. If you are reading this, and you had Mrs. Shepard, you probably feel the same way. And if you did not have Mrs. Shepard, I hope you had A Mrs. Shepard. At the festival, several times I heard people ask her what she was going to do after retirement. It was something I asked her myself. I don’t know what’s next but, I feel her future holds unlimited potential, the kind of potential she alway made her students feel like they had.

Woolaroc (Woods, Lakes, Rocks)

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After the excitement of my Dad’s birthday party and the Inge Festival, my parents and I thought it might be fun to visit Woolaroc in Bartlesville, Oklahoma today. Woolaroc, a play on woods, lakes and rocks, is the estate of Phillips 66 founder Frank Phillips. There is a museum, a lodge where they used to live, a petting zoo and grounds with buffalo (and other animals) roaming. Growing up in Independence, every year we visited Woolaroc for a school field trip. Nostalgia addict that I am, I enjoyed revisiting a place that I had not been to in at least 25 years. I’ve posted a few pictures from the day, some are better than others.

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Ralph Meeker is Gay, or rather, Ralph Meeker is Gay?

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Yesterday, at the Festival, someone was telling an anecdote about the actor Ralph Meeker. The anecdote itself is not worth repeating but the takeaway for me was that Ralph Meeker, according to this person’s mother, was gay and struggled with playing the course, virile Hal in the original Broadway production of Picnic. Obviously, as an actor who often plays heterosexuals (though usually less course, virile ones) I was reminded of the on going challenge for the gay actor playing straight. I suppose in some ways it was easier and then in some ways more difficult. And then, I thought I would do a little google sleuthing to find out more stories about Meeker’s sexuality. I found nothing. Nothing on IMDB, nothing on Wikipedia, even gayorstraight.com said he was heterosexual. So, who knows. I will say that looking at old pictures, I do wish he was gay, he is a heartthrob. Maybe it’s a little inappropriate to out an actor who does not seem keen on being outed from his grave, but I suppose at the end of the day, Ralph Meeker was an actor. I’m sure he’s just glad people are still talking about him.

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Notes from the William Inge Theatre Festival

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It’s 1:30 am and I’m in bed, trying to go to sleep but I can’t turn my brain off. I spent the day and evening taking in the William Inge Festival here in Independence. It’s an annual theatre festival and I have not attended one for over 15 years. There were several highlights but the big one for me was a talk with the actress Elizabeth Wilson. You might not know her by name but she was Ralph Fiennes’ mother in Quiz Show, Dustin Hoffman’s mother in The Graduate and is perhaps best known as Roz in Nine to Five. Most recently, at 91, she was in Hyde Park on Hudson as Franklin Roosevelt’s mother. There’s not a scene she’s in that doesn’t belong to her. I’m still thinking about something she said today. She was talking about working with Kim Stanley in the original Broadway production of Picnic. She said Ms. Stanley revealed so much that it was like she had no skin. As she said it, she grabbed her arm and pinched her skin. She told us that Inge was the same way, giving everything he had inside of him. Another woman in the panel, actress and writer Barbara Dana talked about how magical it had been to watch Elizabeth play Sonia in Uncle Vanya in the early 70s. And because I’m always thinking about age, I did the math and realized she was over 50 when she played her. Sonia is around 20. I have such a habit of limiting myself, doubting what I am capable of and there’s something so brave about a 50 year old playing a 20 year old. It reminded me to always see the possibilities. She also was told us a piece of information about Dolly Parton that surprised me and no, it’s not what you think. Anyway, it’s now 2:30 and I’m even more tired, but I wanted to share a little about my day. And if you ever see a 47 year old me playing Tom in The Glass Menagerie, you have Elizabeth Wilson to blame.

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The Best Donut in the World

My favorite Raymond Carver short story ends with a baker offering a hot roll to a grief-stricken mother and telling her, “Eating is a small, good thing in a time like this.” Whenever I read the story, in my mind, the action takes place in the donut shop of my hometown, Daylight Donuts. I have eaten a lot of donuts in a lot of different towns. Dude’s in Joplin, Donut Pub in my old Chelsea neighborhood, and S.K.’s Donuts at 3rd & Cochran in LA are among my favorite donut shops but hands down, my favorite donut is this one from Daylight Donuts. The place hasn’t changed much since the days I worked at my Dad ‘s gas station and he would give me money to walk there and buy donuts for the station’s staff and customers. It was the only part of my job description at which I excelled. I think they used to call this donut a headlight. The icing to donut ratio is perfect and the buttercream on top makes you feel like you’re eating a piece of cake. It’s small, good thing, for any time.

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How the Nelson-Atkins got me through last Summer

John Singer Sargent , American , 1856-1925 , b. Italy  Mrs. Cecil Wade, 1886

John Singer Sargent , American , 1856-1925 , b. Italy
Mrs. Cecil Wade, 1886

Wayne Thiebaud , American , b. 1920  Apartment Hill, 1980

Wayne Thiebaud , American , b. 1920
Apartment Hill, 1980

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Last July, I spent nearly three weeks in Kansas City. My Dad had major surgery and my Mom stayed with him in the hospital room and I stayed nearby at a Ronald McDonald House type place. It was for the three of us a sad time, a scary time, an unstable time. One benefit of the experience is that I was able to reconnect with old friends who now live in Kansas City. I got to spend a lot of time with my cousins who shuffled their schedules to visit my Dad regularly. But to be honest, I spent a lot of time feeling lost. My Dad was sick and we worried how long it would take for him to get better or if he even would get better. And at night, I would lie on this little twin bed in this old Victorian house and miss my life in LA, my friends, Eric, the dogs, happy hour at Marie Callender’s. I would drive around in oppressive Kansas-in-July heat and think, all this would be a little easier to deal with if the temperature would just drop 15 degress. A few times, I escaped to to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art. I’d walk the rooms and remember works that I’d seen before and works that I must have seen before but that were new to me now. A few paintings, like Paul Raphael Meltsner’s Paul, Marcella and Van Gogh (No.2), Fairfield Porter’s Wheat and Keith Jacobshagen’s Crow Call (Near the River) made me quite emotional. It was as if the sadness I walked around with was released by experiencing these beautiful works of art. Especially Crow Call that reminded me of so many Kansas skies that I grew up with, skies that I still miss occasionally. It’s sad and hopeful and bright and dark and it’s the duality of it that spoke to me. It eased my pain, made me feel like a boy again. For as long as I live, whenever I see these pieces, I will be transported to the summer of 2012, when a few paintings helped me get through a very tough time. That’s Art’s job, but it’s also it’s gift.

Who Am I, Anyway?

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A few years ago, I started collecting old black and white headshots. I love them. I like color headshots, too, but I think there is something so romantic and dramatic about the b & w’s. When I look at my old headshots, I want to start singing, “I really need this job, please God, I need this job…” Here are a few pics from my collection. Every one of them tells a story. Also, if you’re reading this and you want to send me YOUR old b & w headshot, please do.

Moms

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Recently, I posted on Facebook a status update about how I never get tired of pictures of dogs, people’s parents when they were young, and cake. My friend Aaron saw the post and sent me this video tribute his brother Matt Levitz made for his Mom a couple months ago. He promised the video had dogs, cake and many pictures of his Mother. It goes without saying that it’s a loving tribute. Linda is the star of this movie and she is as magnetic as Julia Roberts, with a smile to match. From baby photos, through childhood, wedding, young motherhood, not so young motherhood, involvement in the Adelines, etc., her life is documented. At the end, I felt like I knew her and in a way, I do know her. I had a real reaction partly because the video made me think of my Mom, Theresa. Like Linda, she was born in 1944 and married in 1965 and as women who have travelled through history at the same time, they share other similarities. I asked Aaron to ask Linda if it would be okay to share this on my blog. She responded, “How sweet! I absolutely give permission, provided that he gives Matt credit.” I thought to myself, what a proud Mom. I knew that’s the kind of person she is from watching her movie, but I also know that’s the way Moms are, from knowing my Mom.